When My DEMONS Come Out

- When life comes falling down around you ……
  - When the one person you shared you dark secrets with dies in your arms.                       - When all your trying to do is make everyone happy and you cant.                                     - When the one person you want, you know you should not have them.

1.You meant to be my friend you were my friend before his so why are you telling/yelling at me to leave him, don’t my feeling count for anything ? i have been there for you for a good 3 years , been there for everyone of your up’s and down’s. when i start to break down and look at why i am crying your one of the people thats is making me cry. you all pushed me in to this so why now try to make me take it away ? does not seem right does it. When no matter what i do it is still going to be my fault your still going to blame me for it , for leaving or staying i get the blame and don’t lie when you say you care. for 3 years i have been there then BAM a boy and we don’t even matter i would blow anything off for you would you for me ?

FRIEND

2. I don’t know what to do i don’t want to have to put up with this anymore i don’t want people telling me what i am doing is wrong that i should not be with you, that it is my fault you are going to fail school then when i try and leave they blame me for making you sad come on guys does no one care’s about my feeling lets just pass them around like a book. i am starting to feel like this is to much for me to take in. i may love you buts that the point if loving you makes me sad. i hate when you leave me i get mad when we don’t talk. but when i need you most i want tell you when i just want to cry in your arms because my friend has died i wont tell you i can’t pick up the phone or when text. 

BOY

3. i am just this big fuck up and you can’ t even show that you love me. why did you bring me in to this world it was not right if you cant take care of me. you see me with tears down my face look in to my eyes and walk right past like i was never there. i try to help you and all i get is yelled at. can i ever do anything right. i am not like other kids because of you if you were to die that only things i have to remember you by is the times i stay up till 3am to let your drunk ass in the house and put you to bed, the wost part is that i will stay up every night to do that but i never get a ‘thanks kid’ i sound like someone that is going overborad but really i am not i wish you would give me a hug with out it starting a fight i wish you could tuck me in and say good night, but most of all i want to hear you say ’ I love you ’ when your not drunk , you cant hind behind being drunk.     

FARTHER

R.I.P Troy 

So i went to my Psychologist to day ya for life !
he sure does have a way for bringing up the pasted when i dont want to.
i dont want to look back in to the pasted i dont want have to bring up flash back of being hit, kicked , punched , touched in ways i never wanted to be. I HATE YOU PSYCHOLOGIST you turn my life up side down i dont want to talk to anyone but my brother about it i want to be left alone for a week were i dont have to see anyone or talk to anyone.

  i dont want to have to see your eyes when you look at me i dont want to have to kiss you when it only hurts my inside. i cant do this right now i need time !

Thank you for coming in to my life being my brother by law. You showed me how to turn my emotions off, You should be how to surf , how to hole the beers down. Mosted of all you were there for me when i need you. Even though half the shit that has happened to me was because of you i would take back any of it not one broken bone, many bruise or cut. Even though i am i have a fucked up pasted i was not alone you were there with me we shared the same pasted. You are the one and only person i can really truly talk to about my life with out holding back. You told me that crying was for the weak but buddy i am still going to shed a tear for you when i need you. i know it time for you to leave, theres nothing left here but me , and i dont want to hold you here , but come back sometime in your life and see me. Saying good bye to you at the airport was hard today knowing this could be the last time i see you. i can feel a hole in soul you were most of me now your gone i dont feel like me anymore. i dont want you to go i need you to stay with me. i cant take this anymore i cant look at anyone the same. i cant take what the did to me with out you. i cant look at my self in the mirror with out seeing flash backs i cant sleep at night with out seeing flashbacks. i cant do this anymore i cant go on knowing what happen i need help.      

Why do you think it is ok to bet me ? 
Do you really think it is going to stop me ?
Do you really think it is going to tach me not to do it ?
Coz dad it only makes me want to do it more.

I am sorry i am not a boy sorry i cant keep as many drinks down as you think i should. sorry i have a job and you have to take me to work when the football is on.          Sorry i am not who you wanted me to be , but maybe if you look at your self  you can stop blaming me for everything and start punching and kicking your body in not mine. i spend every day of my life trying to make you happy trying to make you proud of me but every day i fail to do that i don’t know why i keep want you to be proud but i would kill for it i would die to hear you say i love you , i would die for a hug other then a punch. you disapprove on everything  i do i try so so hard to do things right in your eyes. i feel that it is right to go out and get drunk all the time. thats the only way i spend time with you at the pub. I’m sorry I can’t be perfect. i’m sorry i ‘m a little dumb fucking ugly shit that should get the shit kicked out of her and yet here i am thinking that it is all ok i should be pushed to the ground and kick thats what he wants to do so i will let him.  can’t stand another fight my hands and body hurt from fighting back. your really good at making me feel like shit,  i feel like nothing like your punching bag just there to kick around at the end of the day when you come home mad.

The sad thing at the end of the day i’ll still come crawling back to try and make you proud even after you leave me with marks on my body the feeling of death.  Well dad i found someone that does make me feel better by just looking at him. i’m trying not to need you anymore. 

i just want a hug now !

 just want to die i want to bleed out everywhere die slowly watch my blood spill all over the floor a pool of red till my clod heart that never beats starts to beat untill the point my eyes slowly shut and i can hear everyone yelling around my body but it is to late, then you take the last breath feel the last beat see the last red the die   

You showed my how to turn off my  emotions so i could not feel them, but then i wanted them back i wanted to feel. i pushed you out of my head forgot everything about you went on like you wanted me to, to forget me. When i said go by to you at you parents  gave i felt all these  emotions i cried full balled my eyes out i never do that ever since then i have been feeling all these  emotions  i dont even know what to do with them, i get mad over things i never would before. i dont like it i dont want to have emotions and more come home to me and take them away  please. i cant stand crying all the time i hate missy someone i hate craving him. take it all way. i dont want to get hurt. i am falling to pieces i cry my self to sleep most nights this last week. TAKE IT AWAY I AM FALLING APART 

How fucking dear you tell him that. i saved you fucking life i never wanted anyone to know that knowone i hope to go you never come back i am tacking you out of my life fuck you , you have lost me , i am going to forget you even came in to my life my family. 

I cant do this anymore , i cant keep fighting you off me and my family everynight then have to go to school and act like i am not in pain take so many pain killers so i can fucking walk FUCK YOU YOU FAT UGLY ASSHOLE Why dont you just fuck off out of my life. i cant keep this up you made me in to a strong person but i cant keep it up for ever dad i just cant i cant keep fighting you i cant keep yelling at you. you make me want to die